It’s a little past 4 am and I am up, awake, and creating a blog post. I just ate my third chocolate donut that I’ve devoured in the last 24 hours; something I just swore I would not do any more. You know, eat donuts. I had spent the day before driving to another nearby city, through the hills, flat lands, and pastures where cows were lazily grazing. I thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to just graze on whatever I wanted and not worry about any of it?”
I thought about a lot during that hour drive. I thought about healing, emotions, conflict, confusion, and disillusionment. Life brings us a mixed bag of so many different things, doesn’t it? More than all of that I thought about serenity. I wanted to close my eyes and picture a place of serenity, accept I was driving. I’m pretty sure had I closed them things would not have turned out well. But, right now, at 4 am, after my third chocolate donut, I can close my eyes and picture serenity. I’m thinking that serenity is doing whatever I want and not worrying about any of it. I just took the deepest breath I have taken in over 24 hours.
As I drove yesterday, with eyes wide open, I still envisioned a place of supreme serenity and what that would look like, feel like, be like. Deep in my heart, I knew it had to be a place where sometimes chocolate donuts were alright and I could be alright no matter what was happening around me. Maybe the cows along side the road understand this. They don’t worry about anything. Their pasture is their serenity. I thought how deeply I wanted that pasture and how determined I have been in searching to find it, or create it. I realized later as my serenity was challenged that I was going to have to create it and it was going to have to come from deep inside of me. I’m a true believer that we create on the outside what we are on the inside. As of late, my creating has left me a bit empty. I guess if that is true then I must be a vessel waiting to be filled again, just like the creative process always is; just like life is.
I pictured a pasture where serenity abides. It would have to be a place of true freedom, where sometimes I know I will tow the line with whatever my latest project or revelation takes me. Sometimes it will be a place where chocolate donuts are alright, with no guilt on my part. Even more importantly, it has to be a place where peace resides and takes over especially when my serenity is shaken. I thought to myself, “I’ve had too many tears today.” But if I were to be in a place of serenity those tears would be alright just like the chocolate donuts.
As I continued to drive I envisioned a physical place where things could just be alright even when life has been hard. I’ve built a place like that before. It was definitely serene. I thought of how I have a deep need to build that place again. It would be physically beautiful, with smells that deepen the senses, and an ambiance that creates a space where a deep breath and a sigh of relief comes easy regardless of what is going on outside. In a world that can be so filled with strife and ugliness, wouldn’t it be wonderful to step into a space of ultimate serenity and find yourself alright even when tears are rolling, when life is crazy, and when all you want to do is be in a better pasture even if its just for a little while? Or maybe this place, that is serene on the outside, will entice serenity on the inside too.
Tears still came later on yesterday, but I woke this morning with that vision of the place called serenity, where everything is alright, even when it looks like it is not on the outside for the moment. If it can look alright on the inside, eventually the outside will follow suit. So, I walked through that door where the world won’t fall apart because I’ve gained more weight than I’ve wanted. After all, it only reflects the weight of the world I have carried. It will be released when the burden is lighter regardless of the donuts or anything else I might indulge myself with. Its funny how donuts have a hole in the middle, just like we do when life gets nuts and we want to fill the void inside of us with something sweeter than we are feeling for the moment. Its only momentary filler. Yet, for some reason this morning that filler and serenity abide in the same place, because it really does not matter. All that matters is that I closed my eyes, envisioned that serene place, and feel so very willing to build it once again from the inside out.
With all of that said, please excuse me as I open the door to that place. You can join me if you like. Its a space where all is well even when it seems like it is not. I’m taking a deep breath through some left over tears from the previous day and thinking that I feel so very ready to create that physical space of healing and call it “Serenity”.
Loving you from here,
Dr. Jenine Marie Howry- breathing deeply