I wish I could come at this one as a professional but I can’t. I have to write it as a survivor and a mother. You see, I lost my son. Don’t ask me how long its been because time is irrelevant. Some of the sting does go away with time but the memories, the feeling of missing him, the love I have; these things remain. The Bible says that three things always remain and those are faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love. The truth of the matter is, the greater we love the harder it is when we lose someone we love deeply. Loss of any loved one is very hard, but losing a child seems to be the very worst.
My son was 20 when he died. I will spare you the details because after a bit of time they don’t really matter any more. All I know is that tonight its hard. There are times that are harder than others. I think it is because once again it is Christmas and once again I will not hear my son’s laughter. I want to hear it so much. I know some day I will, but the waiting is hard, the missing him is hard, the loving him is hard as well. I remember the good times we had, the hard issues we dealt with , and the time that went way faster than I wished it did.
I’ve been asked over the years how I deal with the loss. My only answer is that I just do. I go with the flow. When it hurts, I let it hurt. When I am thinking of fond memories and I feel better, then I am blessed to feel better. My life has gone on from the original sting but the hard moments still come and I have discovered that they always will. Tonight, while I write this, I miss him deeply. My heart goes into this aching thing, and I want to tell him I love him one more time. I think of the last time I hugged him good bye as he was getting on a plane to leave. I think of our last words on the phone and that they were, “I love you”. I know he still lives because my heart hurts. He lives in there where love resides.
I don’t want to know how to get over it and I don’t want to be a professional about grieving. That is one area I just leave as it is. I survive. I live each day as they come and usually they are just regular every day days. Every now and then my heart skips a beat because I will see someone who looks like him or sounds like him. I will stop and stare where ever I am.
Someone told me once that grief is like waves of the ocean. It washes over us and then moves back only to wash up again. I understand this concept and it does feel just like that. I’m thankful that I don’t feel as I did in the beginning. It was horrible. Now it is manageable. Sometimes I have dreams with him in them. They are always so vivid and sometimes even seem to have a message attached. Do I think he lives beyond the grave? I sure like to think so. I do know I will see him again and it will be a great reunion. I have no idea how that really works. We only know in part and when that day comes we will know things how they truly are.
In the mean time, I see him in the arms of Jesus. That’s how I like to see him. All I can do is hope he is happy wherever he might be at this moment and understand that some day I will know that answer. Those who know me have said I am strong but I sure don’t feel like that when it comes to this. It is the only thing on this earth that has dropped me to my knees faster than anything ever could. A parent will always see her offspring as a child, no matter how old they get or if they live on earth or not. When I let my love for him expand in my heart it is almost like he is here with me so I try to do that as much as I can when I miss him.
If you are reading this and you have lost a child. My heart beats with yours. I know it is hard. Sometimes I ask Jesus to take the pain away, but He has lead me to understand that I will not heal from love and missing someone who has left this earth. He is a part of me. Just like we are one body of Christ. Our children are a deep part of us and when they are gone there is a part of us that is missing as well. Our soulful body will ache for that part, always. It’s a great thing to have loved that much. Its a wonderful thing to have witnessed the breath of a child we brought into this world. God gives us such joy at the moment we first look into their eyes. Its like that little soul shines brightly right at that moment. I like to think that Jesus witnessed my son’s smile when they met once again. Maybe He got to see the light shine in his eyes and it made Him joyful. One can only imagine….
Just being Jenine
“To love is the greatest thing on earth. It will last forever, eternal. It is what we are here for; to love, to heal, to grow.”